The Bipolar Plea

SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM NOT!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I SEE ME!!
SEE ME THROUGH IT ALL!!
See me for me......

I am not another "one"
Lost to the land of crazies.
I am desperately searching,
for a way, the right way.
It may take me awhile,
This path is unlit and daunting,
But don't forget the person you once knew....

The person you once knew.
The person who laughed with you.
The person who grasped onto a logical reality.
That person is me.
I'm still here, somewhere


Some... where....
Come.... here....
See... me....
Save... me....

To dream, I must lay my head down

Ah yes...
There you sit, so painfully close
Under your false umbrella of happiness.
The threadbare umbrella...
allowing the misery to seep in around,
Obvious to many,
Oblivious to you.

Ah yes...
Here I sit, so inconspicuously close
under clouds of envy and bitterness.
The thick, heavy clouds....
Releasing hateful pressure in exploding downpours
Obvious to me,
Oblivious to many.

Ah yes...
I long to sit among your naive circle,
Through a haze of falsity and wittiness
Dizzy, misleading haze...
Presenting the American Dream, if only a glimmer
Oblivious to many....
Oblivious to me....

Merry Christmas Japril 12-19-81

She was the prettiest baby I'd ever seen.
I thank God for giving her to me,
But when he did, he didn't say,
That he would soon be taking her away.
Just to look at her, would make your heart glow.

Sometimes I wonder why she had to go.
I guess the Lord thought she was too pretty to live
So he took her to heaven to be with him.

I still thank God for letter her
stay for awhile.
While she was hear she made
us forget the bad and smile
She would have been
8 months old this Christmas day.
Oh Japril I wish you could be here to play.
I don't think Jamie understands where
you went
But I know you would have had
fun together. Merry Christmas Japril
Mommy
<3


(My sister found this letter from my mom about my deceased sister Japril. Japril died of crib death just weeks after her birth.)

Glimmers of Hope

Vision blurred in a tired haze
a white rabbit flickers by.
A fleeting glance his way,
and the tears slowly start to fade.
A childlike faith reappears
with hope of a day minus the misery.
For a brief moment he stills,
capturing me with his sorrowful eyes.
Locked for an endless lapse of time,
the world I see in his intense stare.
My heart so torn and tattered,
collapses under the pressure of accountability.
This worn, battered little bunny,
bound by love, unconditionally.
With a start, the bond is frayed,
and slowly I start to fade into the dusk.
His vision blurred in a tired haze.

Today I say goodbye

Lately it feels as if the world is swirling around me... I have no connection at all. I'm at a distance, watching the normalcy all around me, realizing that this is something I have never known, nor will I ever know. I frantically reach out, desperately wishing I could touch someone, anyone... But the drones elude me, sending me into a spiral of erratic motions. Lying in a corner, jerking uncontrollably, I sob in disbelief at the horror that has become my life. Everything pans out, as I slip further into darkness. It's at this point, I realize what I must do. It's too late for anything else, the damage is done. Goodbye world, goodbye darkness, goodbye hate, goodbye sweet....

He's perfectly perfect for his perfect world

So, I'm sitting here thinking, "I need to write." However, what do I write? I think I can let my fingers do that talking... Do you think that will work? I ask YOU as if YOU is another person in the room, as if you is another person in this 13" laptop screen, as if you can really respond to me. Then I wonder, am I really so desolate that I am grasping at the concept of an imaginary friend through the tiny pixels staring up at me? There is no one sitting around me. I look around and I see an half eaten tub of weight watchers ice cream sitting on the already cluttered coffee table. I want to take it all and throw it away. I often think, I hate all of this, just burn it. Burn it with me in here, burn it with all my memories, burn it with all my pain. So much has happened and with little resolution to their end. I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I have forever given up on the concept of happily every after. I think this notion is something out of fairy tales, something that I will never know. Damn Cinderella! Damn Snow White! Damn Sleeping Beauty! Those lying bitches have set me up believing that I will come across a prince charming. That one special man who will not only sweep me off my feet, but will also be charismatic, chivalrous, adoring.... perfect. But alas, I'm greeted daily with lazy, self centered, boring.... hum drum. This is what I've become. Complacent, dissatisfied, dreaming, desiring, failing.

I'm left here, lonely and distraught.
I watch your smiling faces, special moments,
Filled with wonder and amusement.
I long to see that sparkle in your eye,
feel your gentle touch on my cool skin
taste your sweet lips lightly on mine.
With hesitance, you glance my way,
catch my eyes, if only briefly.
Then fleetingly, you are captured
far from my reach, far from my world
back to your first love, your true love.
Then I'm left here, lonely and distraught.