A Mother's Touch

About 30 years ago, my mother and father hand-stitched this quilt together, but never finishing it. Over the years this quilt has been tucked away, packed in paper bags, plastic grocery bags, moved from house to house, misplaced and found. Some of the most important people in my life have handled this blanket made of clothes of my childhood and of my parents. This evening I finished attaching the blue satin ribbon I had purchased 7 years ago, after the birth of my son. As I sat there, running the trim through the sewing machine, tears came to my eyes. I thought about my own mother's hands as they would have held the fabric gingerly sewing each square together. I reflected on the handwritten letters I have from her and the love she felt writing to my father and his mother. Years have passed since I felt her embrace, but the gift she gave was thoroughly realized as I finished that quilt she and my dad started while I played on the floor next to them. The gift lives through my children and the wonder they bring to my everyday. Life often seems so daunting that precious gifts, such as this, are overlooked and taken for granted. What a blessing my life has been! Through this imperfect little quilt, I saw the perfection in the path GOD laid out for me.

Crazy starts somewhere...

While sorting through clothes in my armoire, I came across a hateful letter my grandmother had planted in my belongings when I moved a year and a half ago. She always had a penchant for the passive aggressive approach; ensuring that her last stab went uncontested. I stood outside of her house, reading that letter with accusations of stealing inconsequential items, such as flatware and paper plates, being a bad mother, sister and granddaughter, even reprimanding me on my behavior as a child. At perhaps the lowest time in my life, my only connection to my mother, condemned me; reinforcing the feelings of self-doubt, low self-worth, and self-hate.


When I happened upon that letter, tucked away in a place rarely disturbed, I was compelled to reread it. My trust and faith in God is still in its infancy, and I often feel that I don't deserve His forgiveness or the blessings He has given to me. Frequently, I will find reason (such as this letter) on why I am not worthy and I have held on this last connection to the woman who resented my birth as the cause of her daughter's death.... Always questioning my value as a person.

I asked my husband to destroy the letter for me, as I knew I would revisit that letter during my moments of darkness. His response was, "You should do it, it's therapeutic," in his best Barnie Fife imitation. Letting go has never been easy for me and I wondered where I would find strength to destroy the

For a while, I stared at that letter.. Picking it up to read parts, reflecting on how ill I was and how devastated I was that when I felt I needed my family the most, they had turned their back on me. Finally, I took that cancer and sat on my back porch alone and watched the flames slowly devour the edges and ultimately the last of those four leaflet pages.

As I sat there, I realized that she had harbored so much hate and resentment towards losing her daughter that she never allowed herself to love and accept what she left behind. I know I'm not a perfect person, but I'm growing every day. While, I may never have the love of my grandmother, I have been so blessed with the love of amazing women, who have not only given me strength and support when I've been down, but have also given me inspiration in the woman I want to become.

Since moving away from my blood "family," I have been surrounded by acceptance, companionship, and support. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel that I am a part of a family that loves my children beyond their mistakes. It is so wonderful to share time doing healthy, wholesome activities and growing together.

The Bipolar Plea

SEE ME FOR WHO I AM!!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I AM NOT!!
SEE ME FOR WHO I SEE ME!!
SEE ME THROUGH IT ALL!!
See me for me......

I am not another "one"
Lost to the land of crazies.
I am desperately searching,
for a way, the right way.
It may take me awhile,
This path is unlit and daunting,
But don't forget the person you once knew....

The person you once knew.
The person who laughed with you.
The person who grasped onto a logical reality.
That person is me.
I'm still here, somewhere


Some... where....
Come.... here....
See... me....
Save... me....

To dream, I must lay my head down

Ah yes...
There you sit, so painfully close
Under your false umbrella of happiness.
The threadbare umbrella...
allowing the misery to seep in around,
Obvious to many,
Oblivious to you.

Ah yes...
Here I sit, so inconspicuously close
under clouds of envy and bitterness.
The thick, heavy clouds....
Releasing hateful pressure in exploding downpours
Obvious to me,
Oblivious to many.

Ah yes...
I long to sit among your naive circle,
Through a haze of falsity and wittiness
Dizzy, misleading haze...
Presenting the American Dream, if only a glimmer
Oblivious to many....
Oblivious to me....

Merry Christmas Japril 12-19-81

She was the prettiest baby I'd ever seen.
I thank God for giving her to me,
But when he did, he didn't say,
That he would soon be taking her away.
Just to look at her, would make your heart glow.

Sometimes I wonder why she had to go.
I guess the Lord thought she was too pretty to live
So he took her to heaven to be with him.

I still thank God for letter her
stay for awhile.
While she was hear she made
us forget the bad and smile
She would have been
8 months old this Christmas day.
Oh Japril I wish you could be here to play.
I don't think Jamie understands where
you went
But I know you would have had
fun together. Merry Christmas Japril
Mommy
<3


(My sister found this letter from my mom about my deceased sister Japril. Japril died of crib death just weeks after her birth.)

Glimmers of Hope

Vision blurred in a tired haze
a white rabbit flickers by.
A fleeting glance his way,
and the tears slowly start to fade.
A childlike faith reappears
with hope of a day minus the misery.
For a brief moment he stills,
capturing me with his sorrowful eyes.
Locked for an endless lapse of time,
the world I see in his intense stare.
My heart so torn and tattered,
collapses under the pressure of accountability.
This worn, battered little bunny,
bound by love, unconditionally.
With a start, the bond is frayed,
and slowly I start to fade into the dusk.
His vision blurred in a tired haze.

Today I say goodbye

Lately it feels as if the world is swirling around me... I have no connection at all. I'm at a distance, watching the normalcy all around me, realizing that this is something I have never known, nor will I ever know. I frantically reach out, desperately wishing I could touch someone, anyone... But the drones elude me, sending me into a spiral of erratic motions. Lying in a corner, jerking uncontrollably, I sob in disbelief at the horror that has become my life. Everything pans out, as I slip further into darkness. It's at this point, I realize what I must do. It's too late for anything else, the damage is done. Goodbye world, goodbye darkness, goodbye hate, goodbye sweet....